My daughter is nearing her fourth birthday, and this time of year always makes me reflective. She has completely exploded my life — in every sense of the word — since the moment she arrived.
I once heard someone on a podcast describe her attitude toward motherhood before having children as "ambivalent," right up until she saw and held her baby. As someone who always loved the idea of "family" but never felt especially drawn to "motherhood," I felt both seen and relieved to hear that.
I was raised by a fantastic stay-at-home mom. Her generosity in allowing us to pursue our interests was boundless. For better or worse, she raised a woman who never wanted to stop pursuing her own. So when I entered the stage of life where people start seriously considering parenthood, I wasn't exactly enthusiastic.
I was thriving in my career and couldn't imagine walking away from it. Meanwhile, a strange phenomenon was happening online: in the name of being "honest" about motherhood, people were overcorrecting — posting about hiding in closets, lamenting that they couldn't even pee alone. While I truly hope those posts helped parents feel less alone, they certainly didn't sell me on the experience.
This is about my fear that I wouldn't recognize myself as a mother. Would I still love my life? Could I love anyone enough to make the kind of sacrifices my mother made for me?
I suppose I spoiled the ending — because yes, I eventually put every skeptical egg into the basket of parenthood, betting my life on the hope that I'd find a way to love both my child and myself.
I'm thrilled to say that I'm absolutely obsessed with being my daughter's mom. My ever-deepening laugh lines are proof that I've never smiled or laughed more.
I still see my friends regularly. I've continued to grow my career. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't hesitate to ask for help. I had a beautiful village to lean on, and I never felt ashamed to receive support for my struggles.
But I also feel confident that there's another version of me out there, in some parallel universe, who made a different choice. And she's happy too. She made the right choice. So did I.
Written by Ally Diaz, Mamaya Health therapist.
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